The “Perfect” Couple

I recently heard from an acquaintance who I have been getting to know over the last six months. He’s one of those people, who when you first meet him, you immediately feel comfortable. He has a endearing geeky-handsome awkwardness combined with warmth and a sense of purpose, so what’s not to like? He recently wrote me the following:

I’ve been thinking about your relationship work since I recently broke up with my girlfriend. You always seem to be talking about healthy, amazing relationships, and it always made me ill—not because I thought you were full of it, but because I knew how dysfunctional my own relationship was, how it was founded and maintained by lies and inauthenticity.  While I know being in an amazing relationship requires personal accountability, I also know one must find a partner that’s willing to work toward similar goals…we can talk more about this later.

I wrote back to him:

Sorry to hear about your break-up. In public you two seemed like the sweetheart couple of the year. I liked the way you spoke to and about each other. Feel free to call if you want to talk.

What comes to mind from my research is that there doesn’t seem to be any basic, universal material that couples can refer to to cultivate and sustain the beautiful aliveness that emerges when you first come together. This lack of constructive foundation is why we see so many relationships fraught with struggle and suffering. And it doesn’t have to be that way.

Without going on for hours and hours, what I think is the important lesson here is that you never really know what’s going on with other people unless they are willing to practice honesty, openness, vulnerability, and transparency with each other and their friends. There’s so much pressure to appear happy, strong, and confident in public. After all, who wants to show that you’re hurting? But who are we more drawn to? Someone who is on the verge of tears or Arnold Schwarzenegger.