Sex and Commitment

Oh Yoko! - Lennon

Hi Michael,

Things are going well with Elizabeth. We’ve been seeing each other for several months now. We were together over the weekend. I went to a party with her where we ran into some of her friends. One made a comment to her, “you’ve found a great guy!’

When I overheard this, I got the sense that I’m now becoming identified as the ‘boyfriend’ but I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I greatly enjoy being with her and getting to know her. But I’m conflicted. I started a graduate class last week and I found myself wondering which of the women were single and if they might be interested in me. I find that I’m beating myself up for even having these thoughts.

My programming is that if I am having sex with somebody, then I’m not allowed to be with anybody else. But if I follow this line of thinking, I’m equating being someone’s “lover” with making a life commitment. I can’t seem to allow myself to say, “We are two consenting adults who are enjoying each other without restrictions.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about John Lennon and his relationship with Yoko Ono, who to me is not conventionally good looking and yet he was totally devoted to her, leaving an otherwise culturally beautiful first wife for this “odd artist woman”.

I wonder what it was that he saw in Yoko? Could he be ‘himself’ with her finally? Did her creativity inspire him? I think so because they did created a lot of art together . . . . I don’t know.

The question I keep asking myself is, “what am I getting from being with Elizabeth besides having someone I’m comfortable with who also has a very ‘soothing’ personality?”

All I know right now is that “I don’t know.”

Robert

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Hi Robert,

Sounds like you are getting to know your lover better as well as yourself.  It’s been several months since you started dating and now you are having sex.  She is also taking you around to meet her friends. And one of her friends has commented on what a great guy you are!  Nice and maybe not!  It seems you are in a dilemma about having sex with her and finding yourself checking out other women.

You say you are steadily moving toward boyfriend territory but really you’re not sure.  Sounds more like you may be concerned you are heading toward prison territory - a prisoner of a relationship you’re not so sure about.

There is quite a lot going on here. First of all, unless you’re willing to be honest with her about where you are at, things are only going to get worse. Nobody likes to talk about these things before they have sex, but the truth is, once two people do have sex, a bonding process takes place. It’s inevitable.

You need to first and foremost be willing to be vulnerable and transparent and just simple share your truth. Elizabeth might not like hearing it, but she will sense your hesitation one way or another. Humans are telepathic and intuitive, but we keep thinking we’re not.

Start with being honest and see where things go. If she wants to stop seeing you or gives you an ultimatum, we can look at where to go from there. But hiding your inner dialogue is deafening.