Get a good education and get a good (fill in the blank)?

I gave a presentation on healthy relationships to thirty people last Sunday night in Sag Harbor, a “progressive” town on Long Island.

So much of what I have to say is related to the insights that have come to me through teaching relationship dynamics in a high school, day-in and day-out. The teaching process forces you to be creative. That creativity comes alive when you see the faces of teenagers who you hope will not have to go through the web of confusion and struggle that has shadowed so many of our lives.

In my classes I emphasize the fact that we’ve truly entered an era of hyper-speed social change. It’s easy to see that this is true, but harder to make the clear choices that will lead to a fulfilling, healthy relationship. My classes shine a light on the perplexing questions posed in these rapidly changing times, providing a context that stimulates people to find their own answers and the solutions that truly lie within themselves.

I emphasize education. We spend 12 years in school (at a minimum!), preparing for a good job so we may enjoy a higher quality of life. But how much time is spent preparing for a good relationship, the other major factor in almost everyone’s life? A healthy relationship, along with a rewarding work life, should be the primary goal of a basic education.

Teenagers, of course, deal with the pressure to fit in, but so do adults. Many of us spend our whole lives seeking the approval of others. After all, we sought the approval of mom and dad in our early years, and when we didn’t get that, it was a frightening proposition. Think back: we all wanted mommy and daddy’s approval, to give us a smile, to tell us we were walking okay, speaking okay, riding our bicycle okay. After a while we thought we outgrew our need for their approval, but the basic need for approval is still embedded deep in our psyches. That’s how we make it though the day.

Our first days and months, we reached out to be held and touched, to know that we are loveable. Nowadays, as we enter into relationships, many of us are still subconsciously struggling for this approval. We might think differently, but it still lingers deep in our psyches. We were programmed to seek this approval, and it still remains in varying degrees in everyone. Even if we are the “distant” partner in the relationship, we still suffer because we are not accessing the depth of love that really is who we are at our core. Deep down, every one of us wants to give and receive love without conditions.

So what’s the answer? It’s simple and not so simple. Try this; just take a good, deep look back into your personal history. Get some clarity on who you are, and who your partner is. Then, with a commitment to change, go forward as eachother’s allies and seek out information on how to be in a healthy relationship. Why should a couple settle for anything less? We have some information you may find interesting!