There is a serious lack of appreciation in the world. Most of us have forgotten how to be thankful for the small things. We mistakenly believe that, especially for things we have labeled as “it our our right or it is what is due us,” there is no need for thanks or appreciation.

Look at the marriages and relationships that are falling apart, and you will find that there is a great lack of showing appreciation and thanks. Small things are taken for granted. Slowly, but surely, the relationship is falling apart not because there is a lack of love but because there is a lack of appreciation and gratitude.

Because of what society has taught us we label being appreciative as a sign of being sentimental, “corny,” “mushy,” and even at times unnecessary. But can we really “over thank” someone? Is there anybody in the world who doesn’t appreciate being appreciated? Or are we just too full of ourselves to think otherwise? Have we forgotten that before we can be appreciated, we need to first appreciate?

No. We can never appreciate too much. Appreciation is gratitude in action. Active gratitude is one of the most powerful ways to show how much we truly love and care for someone. Authentic love cannot exist or survive without active gratitude.

Once upon a time, all of us at some point were deeply and very much in love with our ex-s. An idealization of the fairy tale like “happily ever after” felt like an underlying current in the beginning stages with them. There was that inexplicable feeling that made us “walk on the clouds” when we were together with them. But unfortunately, love wasn’t meant to last the way we hoped for or even planned it would. Change is the inherent and eternal quality of all things, love included. So in order for love to last, it is vital to realize that we grow through the different stages and cycles of love. For until we learn how to grow through the cycles of change in every dimension of life, it will be difficult to live fully as change will often get the better of us.

Another thing we need to realize is that the different emotions and feelings that we associate with love are but a tiny aspect of love. It is quite erroneous to think that love is nothing more than a mere feeling or emotion. A lot of people somehow believe that when the feelings of being in love are gone, that love itself is gone. There are a couple of things to consider here: that feelings always change, and feelings are not always dependable or reliable. Therefore it is crucial to note that there are other aspects of love that we need to explore. Those are the aspects of love that are inherently more spiritual in nature that will be discussed in my next article.

So where did love go? It’s still there. It just took on a different shape and form.

Yesterday, I met someone who said they were in a relationship where they had to ’shrink to fit’.

That really broke my heart.

How much aliveness is in a situation like that?

There was something about just hearing it put like that, that reminded me that we never want to live like that; that everyone deserves better.

So, some helpful reminders:

• No more playing small.
• No more scraps of love.

• Never shrink to fit.

If you take these phrases to heart, they can support you having what you most deserve.

A wonderful life.

When you first arrived as a newborn there were no language skills. There was no “mommy” or “daddy” or “you.” There was no pressure to look good. Life was about innocence and wonder.

Looking at possibility, is there a way to access this beginner’s state if it once was who we were? Is it not then still who we are? Is there a way to activate that state where there was no judgment or evaluation?

Can we have power over our inner dialogue that has veered us away from the innocence? Or are we too caught up listening to our self? 

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How more simple a reminder can this be in any relationship?

Phrases, sentences and words have an impact.

To build a healthy and meaningful relationship, I suggest a simple reminder.

Before saying anything, ask yourself this question:

Does this need to be said?

Have a nice day.

What is the difference and how do you balance between being yourself and being uncompromising in a relationship and the reverse of this….being too compromising and no longer being yourself?

This is a good one because most people struggle with this issue in their relationship. Part of being in a relationship is that there are three entities in a relationship. There is the self, the other and then there is the we, the unit of the relationship. When you are single all you need to think about is yourself and other people like family and friends. In intimate partnership we need to nurture the we and the other as well as the self, so there is definitely an invitation to grow beyond selfishness, which is why relationships offer us so much in terms of how to open deeper than our egos, which are inherently selfish. 

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Question: If you have been single for a while and despair of ever meeting Mr or Mrs Right what advice would you give to somebody who has been single for a long time but wants to be in a relationship?

You firstly need to be committed to your own life and living it with depth in the direction that is authentic for you. 
Being single means that you have a lot more time to get your life the way you want it spiritually, psychologically physically so that you are not waiting around for whoever comes along to make it right.

The second thing is that I find that it is helpful to do a bit of a self assessment about what your deepest values are. Intimate relationships flow more smoothly from a clear base; in that when you are clear about what is most valuable to you and you hook up with someone whose life goals are, at least, in alignment or complimentary to yours.  It seems really basic but if your core values are opposing this cause problems that will in the long term be difficult to resolve.

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Our friend decided to sit with his issues and just let it all cool down.  After over two weeks he gave her a call.  He called with no expectations but rather almost expected that it would be no and if it was no then no is no, life goes on.  Guess what, she was happy to hear from him and they made a date.  They met for a tea and an hour an half passed very quickly.  They had a lot in common.  He said it didn’t seem like a romantic click, but the rapport was so connected he asked her for another date.  He asked her to be brutally honest as to whether she really would like to get together again.  She was bit uncomfortable and in that he knew the answer was not going to be an immediate yes.  She said no as politely as she could, but it was still a bit awkward.  He said he was okay with that and that his life was so full that he much preferred the truth to being vague.

She said she would like to get together again as friends and he said okay, and then she hesitated and said let’s just not know how it will turn out. He left thinking there was no chance of anything developing further and the next day realized how much he enjoyed the rapport.

Our friend is looking to meet someone who is interested in a long term relationship.  That’s what he wants.  It may not come in the package or sequence he imagines.

He thought it would be so simple. They met, they had a lot in common. He took her card. A mutual friend recommended them to each other. It was perfect. It was Tuesday. They made a date for Thursday, 7:30. See you then. At 12:30pm on Thursday she sent an email. Something had “come up” and she had to cancel. She said “perhaps we can get together next week.” PERHAPS? What happened to the enthusiasm? read more…

I had a profound insight over the weekend while reading Michael Brown’s Presence Process, which I have talked about before. Here’s what I got from the book—a way we create separation is by focusing on the gap that is between us and another person. It is certainly our conditioning that we are fixated on what’s in-between. read more…

At the moment I am reading a book called The Presence Process: A Healing Journey Into Present Moment Self-Awareness by Michael Brown. I can’t say enough good things about this book. It has affected me so much that I will be exploring this work a lot in the blog in the months to come.

The biggest thing I have taken from this work is this key idea–that before you can love someone else you must love yourself. Part of how to gain that is to stay in the moment. Or, as the book says, “extract our attention from the illusion and trappings of time, in order that we may enter the present moment of life.”

Extracting yourself from time doesn’t mean you don’t make plans or dates or appointments–it’s more about how you approach those plans.  Instead of coming at them from a place of attachment or neediness, see them as moment to moment unfoldings of the eternal now.

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Our Ego-Self in Relationship

1) I vow to turn you into a symbol of my sense of unworthiness, and to use you to justify my decision to forget who I really am.

2) I vow to make you an idol – to see you as the source of my happiness, security, sense of well-being, worth and peace.

3) Therefore, I vow to blame you for the many feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, lack of fulfillment, anger and discontentment that I feel.

read more…

I am looking for relationship heroes.  What do I mean by a “relationship hero?” The term came to me while reading a story about a heroic venture; I realized that there might also be heroic relationships.

To me, a relationship hero is someone who holds their relationship in such high regard that people are touched when they hear about it. The greater the willingness to be open, honest, transparent and vulnerable, the more heroic you are to me.

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Most spiritual traditions look at our human nature as containing both essential nature, which is luminous light, love and freedom awake to itself and its Source, and ego ignorance, which gives us that sense of being separate and deficient in some way or another. All spiritual paths are aiming to help us awaken out of our ego, fearful, dis-connected identity to recognize and live from the inherent love and freedom of our essence. Every meditation practice is working towards this aim.

Relationships can be such a practice – an everyday mirror and tool that shows us where we are grounded within ourself. Our loved ones can help us grow spiritually, when we commit to using our relationships not to grasp for fulfilment but as vehicles for awakening.

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Greetings.

Miranda Macpherson will become a regular contributor to Enlightened Intimacy. We are so lucky to have her unique perspective on many of the issues we all face in love and relationships.

Here is some background on Miranda. Please stop back often to catch up with her posts.

Miranda Macpherson is a non-denominational spiritual teacher, counsellor and author of the spiritual guide-book ‘Boundless Love’. She has been teaching internationally since 1995, and is known for her depth of Presence, compassion and capacity to guide people into direct experience of The Sacred.

read more…

Yesterday I gave you a preview of one of the lessons that I’m presenting in a local high school. The students did their homework on a number of questions about love. They were as follows:

1.    What is love?
2.    What is “in love?”
3.    What is romance?
4.    What is intimacy?
5.    What is attraction?
6.    What are boundaries?
7.    What is commitment?
8.    What is trust, fidelity, and loyalty?

Explain the significance and importance of these questions.

We picked out two of the most interesting answers to question 1 from the 10th grade class. One student said “A mutual attraction between two people that is one step above ‘like.’ There’s a different intensity when love is involved.” read more…

Today was a lively day in Relationship Ed class. I have developed a curriculum in a high school and for the first time ever, it’s Relationship Ed before Sex Ed. A sample lesson plan can be found on www.modernintimacy.com

The students took home their first assignment and I will be sharing their responses here on the blog tomorrow.

In the meantime, here are the questions so you can consider your own answers to them.

From your own personal experience, explain how you understand these questions:

There are no right or wrong answers, rather an exploration of each student’s awareness.

1.    What is love?
2.    What is “in love?”
3.    What is romance?
4.    What is intimacy?
5.    What is attraction?
6.    What are boundaries?
7.    What is commitment?
8.    What is trust, fidelity, and loyalty?

Explain the significance and importance of these questions.

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Could you imagine having a homework assignment like this when you were in high school?

I recently heard from an acquaintance who I have been getting to know over the last six months. He’s one of those people, who when you first meet him, you immediately feel comfortable. He has a endearing geeky-handsome awkwardness combined with warmth and a sense of purpose, so what’s not to like? He recently wrote me the following:

I’ve been thinking about your relationship work since I recently broke up with my girlfriend. read more…

This past weekend I attended an excellent workshop with the always inspiring Alison Armstrong.

Of the many ideas that she brought up, one in particular really caught my attention. She said, “All atrocities begin with objectification.” According to her, the destructive behaviors that come out of hate, prejudice, and fear, all begin with objectifying an individual or a group. In relationships, these include beliefs like “All men are jerks,” or “All women are angry and conniving.”

read more…

I gave a presentation on healthy relationships to thirty people last Sunday night in Sag Harbor, a “progressive” town on Long Island.

So much of what I have to say is related to the insights that have come to me through teaching relationship dynamics in a high school, day-in and day-out. The teaching process forces you to be creative. read more…